I love spinning. Alot. My wheel was a gift from my mom. A year or so ago. I'm not great at it. But I'm decent. I can produce yarn that I love. If I had known how much I'd like spinning I would have bought a wheel 15 years ago when I kinda wanted to.
I hadn't spun in a few mths. And last I had it was warm and sunny out so I always took it outside. Coming inside now I felt rusty. And my chair-- I tried a few-- was too high. Uncomfortable. It took me forever to find my groove. To start getting anywhere with it. It was annoying and frustrating. But I got there. And I also looked online for spinning stools. ;) hope to find or order something soon.
But I thought of her words. And knew just how right she was. I often think I have to get something done or it is just play. Then I feel guilty for 'wasting my time'. So spinning, sewing or the like is my kinda thing. But my sewing machine keeps children awake when they are ready to nap in the afternoon. Or at bedtime. So I avoid it during those times. Then regret doing that too. So getting out my wheel was perfect. I had also put it away for a while due to shoulder pain. But mostly that is better now.
It amazes me all the thoughts that go through my head when spinning. It is nearly a silent hobby. Leaves so much room for thought. I love that.
Also oddly like sewing I have to do it with one shoe off and one shoe on. No idea why. But I can't seem to focus otherwise. Weird.
My thoughts were everywhere. I thought about all my children. And where they are in life. What things they each needed prayer for. Plans The Lord has for them. And fun things I need to make time for with them.
I thought of wise sayings that depending on who says them and in what context they are said in can be really foolish. But we hear the words and think wow so wise. And propel them further down the wrong way with our encouragement. It is sad. A example might be 'getting rid of things that hurt me is so freeing' which can be wonderful. Or horrible. It might mean leaving behind alcohol. Or it might mean abandoning a child or killing someone. Context is huge. And often times we need to read into things a little to understand them. Or ask the person what 'they' meant by what they said.
I thought of hurts I have caused. And hurts I felt. And i thought of what I could have and often should have done. I thought how it hurts to have thought you were friends with someone. And they just walk away. Never saying a word. You just hear from someone else they are done with you. And you rack your brain and heart to know why. But in the end just leave it alone. And hope one day they want to rekindle a friendship. And pray your heart is still open to it. And leave it to The Lord to heal it. And try not to wonder about it too much.
The feeling I have when I spin is so reflective. Internal. And deep. It is healing. Comforting and joyful.
I have struggled the past few mths being content in parts of my life. I like being home. I rarely want to leave. But I crave quiet times. I miss my cow,Jocelyn. She was a great quiet time for me. Twice a day. I laid my head against her. And milked. I needed that quiet time. Just me alone with her. About 40 minutes a day. It was so hard to dry her off this year. Cause everything I said about spinning I could easily say about my time with Jocelyn. And more.
And now she is gone. I don't have my quiet reflecting times each day. I need alone. And I feel guilty trying to find a way to get it. I 'had' to milk her. We had no choice. It was a need on several levels. No other task was like that. I said before I felt lost coming back in the house after she died and I had spent the better part of two weeks outside with her. I dint like coming back in the house. I DIdNT know what to do with myself. So I worked on changing over the house and moved on. But it was hard not having a good outlet for my thoughts. I needed something. Badly. My head was hurting.
I have found myself online too much the past while. About since I dried her off. And I hate that. It always leaves me empty and wanting more. I think maybe. Maybe I can find spinning to be just what I need to take the place of my girl. In the quiet time area. People drain me. I need a recharge. And this. This just might help. I felt so much better after spinning today. <3
1 comment:
I love hearing your thoughts and miss you. ❤️💗💜💓💖
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